The American Man: Boys who refuse to grow up

Randy Alcorn

Sometimes you just can't say it any better.  Please, men, invest a wee bit of time to READ and consider these words from other men on a national tragedy.


Internet porn and video games

Eye protection

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. 90% of men struggle with their eyes (allowing them to wander where they ought not be), and the other 10% of men struggle with lying. Why is this? God created man to be captivated by the beauty, the curves, and the differences of woman. Rebellion entered the cosmos because man thought he had a better grip on things than God did, and when that happened, man's eyes began to wander from the form of his bride to the forms of other's brides. As soon as he was able to embrace the woman who captivated his every thought, he began to look over his shoulder at the others who would not be his and wonder.

Most women do not understand this. Sadly, many Christian women do not even try to grasp what's going on inside a man. As I noted in a previous blog, whether the woman understands it our not (that one did, though), she is not going to be a happy momma if her man's eyes play the field.

Before I toss out a recommendation to you, I hope you understand that you cannot control your eyes in your own strength. It won't happen. Only as we cling to Christ, pursuing him in all things and letting him be the Lord that he indeed is, can we begin to know the victory in our thoughts and with our eyes (1 John 3:6).

Here's the recommendation: Covenant Eyes. 

One of the most dangerous places for husbands to be today is the internet. A friend told me about a Christian man who dumped his wife because he got involved gaming and fell in love with a woman with whom he was gaming. Gack. Much more common, though, is internet porn of the soft- and hard-core variety. No, you don't have to troll XXX sites. You can soil your heart on Fox News or on CNN. Once, while reading the Chronicles of Narnia to my daughters, I wanted them to see what one of the mythical creatures looked like.  I went to Google Images on the computer and even with MODERATE SAFE SEARCH set, one of the top images was pornographic. I thanked God that my girls were not there when I called up the image. I tell you that because it almost cannot be avoided.

This is warfare. It is spiritual warfare. That's why we must cling desperately to our Savior. At the same time, God has given us the fellowship of believers to challenge each other in our walks with the Lord and for mutual support in the midst of the battle. That's where Covenant Eyes comes in. It is not an internet filter, that means it won't slow down your system. What it does is it records every place you go on the internet and e-mails it to a friend. The thinking is that you are less apt to go someplace when you know someone is looking over your shoulder than if you are all alone.

You can choose your partners, those who will hold you accountable. Might I recommend your wife and another man? Your wife because with her you should have no secrets and another man because there may be sites he picks up on that your wife might not. It must be a man who will have the courage to get in your chili and with whom you will not whine because he does get in your face or at least he won't care if you whine.

[Those of you with younger children may want to consider an internet filter to prevent your kids from accidently tripping into some place when you are not in close proximity.]

Job said, "I have made a covenant with my eyes; how then could I gaze upon a virgin?" (Job 31:1) Let us do the same because we love our Lord and we love our wives.

Stare away!

When's the last time you really stared at your wife? Not a passing glance, but a drink-in-the-vista beholding as though you were perched upon the rim of the Grand Canyon during a sunset that even HD would't do justice.

Look at her.

Do you remember the day you stood at the end of a long aisle and first beheld your bride, painstakingly bedecked that she might present herself to you in all her radiance? That image is etched into my memory like no other.  A close second would be the look on my sons' faces as their eyes first caught sight of their woman at the end of the aisle.

We have enough trouble with our eyes. Lots of women don't get it. Many are trying (thank you, ladies).  Many finally understand (thank you, ladies). Job wouldn't have been making covenants four milennia ago (Job 31:1) nor would our Savior have been suggesting hyperbolic eye-plucking two milennia ago (Matthew 5:27-30) if this weren't an issue for the ages.

Yes, God made women exquisitely beautiful, but women are not yours. There is but one woman who is wholly and solely yours. Solomon told his sons to drink water from their own well (Proverbs 5:15) and to be always intoxicated by the love of their wife (5:19). A great way to appreciate the treasure that God has given you in this woman is to stare at her. No, not like you would stare at the young man whose face got caught in a jean-studder. And no, not like a coroner performing an autopsy. Stare like a connisseur drinking in the Sistine Chapel. Like a child who sees all the presents under the tree.  Like a city-dweller who spies the Grand Tetons for the very first time.

Not only will such wonder kindle a deep appreciation to God for your bride in your heart, but it will affirm and build the woman you love. In an era where marriages are crumbling faster than the economy, little will build a bride's security more than knowing she has the eye of her man. One woman confessed,

I will admit that there have been times when my husband has commented on something about another woman that left me wondering if he ever noticed those things about me anymore or if he found that "thing" more attractive than the corresponding part on me.  Women compare themselves to others so frequently.  I think that comes from all that the world barrages us with and the normal self esteem issues that most women have, but when a man notices something about another woman, or his wife notices him watching another woman, it does raise questions in her mind about whether or not she is good enough.  Sad, but true.

Gents, we must guard our eyes.  There's one extraordinary person God has given us upon which we can train our eyes.  Read the Song of Solomon 4. That was a man who stared at his woman.

Next time you get a chance, brother, stare at your wife because you can!
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(Bonus points to any that can identify the eyes at the top of the post)

A modest proposal

On Facebook recently, I have posted a number of links encouraging women toward modesty. Why? God gave me two eyes and they both work (despite living my life in tri-focals). Check out this link from CNN and this video from YouTube if you haven't seen them yet. Even if you have, check 'em out again.

With those in mind, a couple points.

1.  Man struggles with his eyes. No Holmesian deduction required. 90% of men struggle with their eyes; the other ten percent struggle with lying. If this were not true, dentists wouldn't use bikini-clad lasses in hammocks on tropical beaches to sell dentistry. If this were not true, Job would not have made a covenant with his eyes (Job 31:1-4). If this were not true, Jesus would not have mentioned lust (Matthew 5:27-30). If this were not true, Bathsheba would not have caused David an issue and Solomon would not have had to encourage his sons to focus upon the endowments of their wife alone (Proverbs 5:15, 19).

2.  The attire of today's woman exploits this in man.  Duh.  Requires less explanation than the last one.

Let's run with this for a moment. Young women who still live at home dress this way with the knowledge and blessing of their father. Where are the dads? What father would let his daughter walk out of the house dressed in a manner that will allure young men like a bleeding seal in shark infested waters? Where are the dads teaching her to preserve her purity for her husband? Where are the dads teaching their daughters not to defraud (falsely entice) their brothers in Christ young and old (1 Thessalonians 4:3-8)?

Which begs the question, where are the moms? Look around the average church in America and you see that they are dressed just like their daughters. Husbands, this is where you come in. Do you want other men tempted by your wife in thought and deed? You might like it when your woman dresses "hot," but don't you realize that other men are circling the boat?

A few years ago my wife and I went to dinner and a Christian couple we knew sat at the table next to us. They were by themselves and it was--um--obvious that she had dressed to please her husband's eye. Thankfully, my back was to their table, but I had to think of the poor waiter who had to look down at her to take her order. That's NOT looking out for others.  Because I can do something does not mean I should do something.

Gents, lead your wife in love by leading her in modesty.  Let her dress "hot" for you--in the bedroom. If she tries something on that makes you swallow hard, it's likely going to make other men swallow hard, too. I'm not here to advocate measuring hemlines or necklines, but to encourage that we, in love, consider what affect our conduct--in this case, our dress--has on others. 

Can a woman dress beautifully and not dress sexually? Beautiful feminine dress is by definition sexual; it makes a woman look like a woman. It can be beautiful, feminine but does not have to be provocative. Let's teach our wives and daughters to provoke only their husbands in a place of provocation by guiding and encouraging them in fashion that does not cause their brothers in Christ and all men who are created in the image of God to struggle with misplaced desire. They can dress in beauty and in modesty. It might be contrary to the current fashion of the t-shirt that looks like it was spray-painted to the skin and the trousers that stop just north of the Mason-Dixon Line, but better to buck fashion than to bruise our brothers.

How will they know unless they are told? It's time we speak up in love.  Please? I'll be paying you that same courtesy.