The Petulant Spouse: "I can't" or "I won't"

The whole point of this site is to encourage you (and me) to flesh out your love for God by obediently and with passion loving your bride. What happens, though, when you don't or you won't? If you don't or won't, you're probably not the kind of man who would bother with this blog.

Often, though, you won't or don't but do not even realize you've rejected your bride.

What if your bride loves having her feet rubbed, but feet are not your thing? Maybe feet make your skin crawl. Do you do your part and rub her shoulders?

What if your sweetheart delights in going out to dinner, but you prefer eating at home after a long work day? Do you go to the movies instead?

What if she loves flowers, but pragmatism overwhelms you and you cannot bring yourself to sink money into something that will die in just a few days? Do you give her chocolates instead?

What if she loves conversation, but you have nothing to talk about? Instead, you encourage her to go out with her friends so she can chat.

We might truly love our brides, but in each of these situations the thing she aches for most from us is not provided. Can she get each of these things elsewhere? Certainly. But those things and places are not the man she married.

I recently Tweeted (@LoveYourBride), "Tragic the spouse who knows that for which their mate aches and withholds it anyway." One of the sweet ways that God matures us as men is when we learn how to express love to someone in a fashion that is different from the way in which we like to be loved. This is fundamental and this is as obvious as ABC. Our brides are not us.

To love our wives well, we must learn how to do so. I believe this is what Peter drives at when he tells us to "dwell with your wives with understanding." Dwelling implies relationship. Understanding implies knowledge. As I have mentioned before, we have the opportunity to be PhDs of our wives. She is so multifaceted that you will never know everything to know about her, and because she is not static, she will be ever-changing thus providing an endless opportunity to learn new things.

So get over your aversion to feet.

Learn to enjoy dining out on a semi-regular basis.

Buy her flowers just because they delight her soul.

Open up. Converse. Give your thoughts on topics because you do have them. And learn to ask questions of her. LEARN how to converse.

If we do not do these things, we might say we love our wives, but they are not hearing the message. As the song says, "Your lips move but I can't hear what your saying." Love never has been a feeling. It has always been an act of the will. Does your wife feel neglected? Why is that? Are your expressions of love as alien as ketchup to a Frenchman?

Such resistance might actually be rebellion against God's clear command to love our wives. Consider the wife that aches for physical intimacy, but her man is unwilling to provide it. He is in direct violation of God's word to husbands and wives in 1 Corinthians 7:1-5. She has a responsibility to hold her man accountable before God just as she would have a responsibility to hold any believer accountable who stands in direct defiance to God's word. If he continued to resist, she should seek counsel for her and her man with their pastor.

This is a tragedy within the church today. Husbands and wives are of their own choosing not loving their spouses in a manner that they know will touch their spouse deeply. Is it because they cannot or is it because they will not?

Can a spouse's desire be contrary to Scripture? Certainly. A wife who wants an open marriage wants what's contrary to God's word. If a wife wants to be blinged in diamonds and you're living paycheck to paycheck, she wants what is contrary to biblical stewardship. But if I am not constrained by Scripture, what could possibly constrain me from satisfying my bride?

It's time for us in the household of faith to stop what amounts to childish disobedience. Let us grow in maturity and choose this day to love our brides well with the lavish and over-the-top love with which God in Christ loves us.

Grammar vs. English

Yes, even a man who strives to love his life well puts his foot in it from time to time...

NOT the bride of this story!

The home schooling wife was getting ready to grade her daughters' schoolwork. "Emma, bring me your grammar, please."

The home schooling dad, sitting on his duff and flipping through the paper, suggests, "I think we should call it English instead."

"Why's that?" queried his beloved bride.

"Because grammar's are old and wrinkly," brought back the husband who had hoped for a chuckled groan.

But then...

It's amazing the things that can happen in one one-hundredth of a second, the time it took the last sound wave to travel the fifteen feet from his tongue to the ear of his bride, for as soon as that last wave had passed his lips, the husband recalled that his beloved bride had become a grandmother just over a year earlier.

Temporal distoration set in, and all began to move in slow motion. As our hero's teeth began to clench and his eyes to wince, he could see the nanosecond when that last sound wave entered the ear drum of his wife and registered deep within her cerebral cortex. In the next picosecond, the wife's eyes became as big as frisbees and her mouth opened like a lionness about to bite upon the throat of some doomed yak. Really, it's amazing how fast a head can turn. As the husband's mind flashed with the thirty hiding places he could not get to fast enough, the wives eyes fixed upon him and turned him immediately to stone.

Anybody have the number to FTD?

How do I love thee?

If you missed Mother's Day this year, chalk that one up as a "lesson learned." No, I'm not talking about your mom (missing that one would be bad enough). I'm talking about not honoring your wife on Mother's Day.

"But she's not my mom!" you retort.

Spoken like a real man. She is, however and obviously, the mother of your children, oh ye of granite skull. Why not take any and every opportunity to honor your bride?

"Guess I never thought of it," as you scratch the polished marble of your forehead.

That idea may be as foreign to you as spending a day off shopping, but it's not to her. Which takes us to this:  How she hears love may not be how you naturally want to tell her that you love her.

"Huh?"

Gary Chapman wrote an entire book on the topic. He referred to how people hear or receive love as "Love Languages," and he noted five of them (the following is taken from his web-site here):

Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.


Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.


Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.


Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.


Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

The thing of it is, if your woman loves flowers and cards but you're trying to tell her that you love her with hugs, neck rubs, and foot massages, she may not be hearing you. If your woman aches to hear "I love you" and "I appreciate all you do" but your the kind of guy who knows your wife loves you because she's still there when you get home, then you're probably not going to naturally express love to your wife through words.  She may be the kind of woman that wants to hear it.  A lot. Then, sir, you need to buy Rosetta Stone and learn to speak that language!

What's this all mean? Find out how your woman hears "I love you." It's part of what Peter's getting at when he tells us to "live with your wives in an understanding way" (1 Peter 3:7). Be a scholar of your woman. Know what makes her tick. Grease monkeys get real satisfaction out of hearing an engine hum that they have taken pain-staking care in rebuilding. Husbands should get real satisfaction over building up our brides by lavishing the love of God upon them.

Gents, we are God's vehicle for smearing love upon the woman he has given us. She is a gift. She is a treasure (Proverbs 31:10). Let's take great delight in loving our women. The rewards stagger the mind and last into eternity.

And let's try not to miss Mother's Day next year. Or the anniversary. Or her birthday.  Or...