Grammar vs. English

Yes, even a man who strives to love his life well puts his foot in it from time to time...

NOT the bride of this story!

The home schooling wife was getting ready to grade her daughters' schoolwork. "Emma, bring me your grammar, please."

The home schooling dad, sitting on his duff and flipping through the paper, suggests, "I think we should call it English instead."

"Why's that?" queried his beloved bride.

"Because grammar's are old and wrinkly," brought back the husband who had hoped for a chuckled groan.

But then...

It's amazing the things that can happen in one one-hundredth of a second, the time it took the last sound wave to travel the fifteen feet from his tongue to the ear of his bride, for as soon as that last wave had passed his lips, the husband recalled that his beloved bride had become a grandmother just over a year earlier.

Temporal distoration set in, and all began to move in slow motion. As our hero's teeth began to clench and his eyes to wince, he could see the nanosecond when that last sound wave entered the ear drum of his wife and registered deep within her cerebral cortex. In the next picosecond, the wife's eyes became as big as frisbees and her mouth opened like a lionness about to bite upon the throat of some doomed yak. Really, it's amazing how fast a head can turn. As the husband's mind flashed with the thirty hiding places he could not get to fast enough, the wives eyes fixed upon him and turned him immediately to stone.

Anybody have the number to FTD?

Uprooting bitterness

Few pet sins will more quickly choke the marital garden than bitterness. The "Well, he.../Well, she..." interchanges, rather than bring some kind of resolution and restoration, dump Miracle-Gro all over those weeds. Emerson Eggerichs in his superb work on husband/wife interaction, "Love and Respect," aptly calls this "The Crazy Cycle."

How does one eradicate such a tentacled weed from their garden?

Let me back up a few days. One night earlier this week during the evening when I had been reading through the Bible with my daughters, we took a hiatus from Isaiah and flipped to the beginning. I had some lessons I wanted to impart upon my girls, but God had some lessons he wanted to impart to me. As I took them through the history of Cain and Abel, I hoped to share with them the importance of sin's destructiveness, and while this is a true premise, I was moved by God's conduct throughout the ordeal (Genesis 4:1-16).

Consider God's grace,

1. God doesn't accept an inappropriate sacrifice. Rather, in his goodness, justice, and grace, God provides instruction (read: discipline) in that rejection to move Cain to repent of that sacrifice and to then offer a proper sacrifice.

2. God provides a warning. When Cain became angry at God, God continued to lavish grace, love, and discipline upon Cain, his child, by pointing out his improper displeasure, by warning him about sin's close proximity, and by encouraging him to get himself right before things went far worse.

Understand this: God would have been completely justified in ending Cain's life when he offered the improper sacrifice and especially when his anger flared at God because the Lord did not accept Cain's improper sacrifice. Isn't that like us? We get angry when our sin isn't coddled or understood. It's your fault I sinned! Back to God's great grace.

3. God provides an opportunity to repent. Cain kills his brother. Does God then sentence him to a swift and agonizing death? Nope. More and more grace. God does for Cain just as he did for Cain's daddy, Adam. He offers an opportunity for repentance. As God called out to Adam, "Where are you?" in hopes that the man would step forth and confess, God calls out to Cain, "Where is Abel your brother?" God knew where Adam was. God knew where Abel was. In fact, Abel's blood cried out to God from the soil. How's that for haunting imagery? In his goodness, God gave both the opportunity to come to him before he confronted them.

4. God restrains his wrath. Cain sasses God. No, really. All out and from his toes, Cain gives God lip. "Am I my brother's keeper?" I imagine him doing so with a sullen intonation and a shrug while not having the masculine fortitude to look God in the eye. Such a response from my child would ignite a fury in my stove. Had I been God in that situation, you would not have found a particulate left of Cain in the cosmos. God, in his grand grace, restrains his just wrath.

5. God indicts, sentences, and provides hope. No more quibbling. God makes plain that he knows all things, that Cain has been measured in the scales and found wanting. Once again, rather than destruction, God separates Cain. Cain, with blood still beneath his nails, knows the jig is up, and he frets that the increasing multitude that has sprung from the offspring of Adam and Eve will seek to slay the murderer. God's inexhaustible grace lavishes forth again upon Cain. You are marked. None will harm you, you have my word. Because Cain is allowed to live, God grants him time to take stock, assess, and hopefully turn back to God in repentance for what he had done.

We never know what happens to Cain after that apart from his offspring, but it is possible that he repented before he died. Would we expect any other result from God's amazing grace?

All of these things overwhelmed me as I chatted with my daughters. It made me think of Peter's self-centered query to his Master about how often he should forgive. Rather than mock or ridicule Peter, Christ (yep, in his grace) instructs the buffoonerous disciple. "Seventy times seven." Translated: stop keeping count! God demands of his children what he already is and does. How many times has God forgiven you?

So where is all of this going in your relationship with your wife when it comes to the weed of bitterness and resentment? You know full well. Forgive her much. Pour out your grace upon your wife.The five things above that God did with Cain do not correspond with what you should do to your wife except that they exemplify God's extraordinary love and grace toward Cain. As God has done with us, so he expects us to do with others, especially those near and dear to us, and especially our brides.

Some practical apps:

1. Don't keep score. You'll never win. And you will never have a bigger tally than the one that God's NOT keeping against you.

2. Hear her. This comes up again and again. Typically, when a bride's bile rises against her man, the man's bile immediately counters. DON'T! Take a Tums. Then listen to her. Really hear what she has to say. You'll be amazed at how that will reduce the intensity from her perspective when she knows you are listening to her.

3. Don't divert. What do I mean by that? Stay on topic. Don't bring up something that she has done that has caused you to act like a burro. She's responsible for her conduct. You are responsible for yours. If your conduct has brought harm, own it. Confess your sin to God, and apologize to your bride.

4. Be a man. This is no longer junior high school. Your bride will offend you at some point future as you will offend her, BUT one does not permit the other. If she steps on your toes, man up and show her grace. Trust that she does love you and that the slight was not intended. I'm not saying to not call it to her attention, but when you do so, show her respect and that you trust in her love. Don't take a toe-crunch as an opportunity to drive your beloved into the dirt. Act like a man and not a prepubescent bully.

5. Remember your paid debt. Yes, the one forgiven much should forgive much--unless you've forgotten how much you've been forgiven. How do you keep a sober mind in that regard? Think often about the cross of Christ. If you've not read through the Gospels recently, do so. Twice per year would be the bare minimum for a believer. When we consider much what God has done for us, it is far easier for us to then lavish the grace bestowed upon us onto others.

So brothers, if you catch sight of the bitterness weed getting hold of your heart, give it no place. Go to the cross and let God pull it up so you can in turn love him and your wife as he intended.

A spring in her step

Happy New Year, gents!


I was struck this morning by a column that dealt with living what we believed. Do I believe I am a child of God? If so, why do I not live that way? In the midst of the article, the author presented an example that struck me as a husband. Hear the words:

A husband and wife part in the morning for their respective jobs. That woman who is mindful throughout the day that a man out there loves her has a spring in her step. Everything that happens is colored by that love: Minor irritations are less irritating; insults may sting but not destroy; she has a generous spirit as the natural issue of substantial internal reserves.  (Andreé Seu)

The author used the example to flesh out how the Christian should be living based upon the promises and declarations of God's word, but like the examples Christ uses in Scripture that point us to a higher truth, the simple truth should be taking place on this plane as well. Is your woman mindful of your love throughout the day? Does it put a spring in her step?


Or is it a relief to her when you leave for work? Does she dread the clock as its hands move closer and closer to your return home?


If the former, you're likely loving your wife in a manner that pleases God. If the latter, something's broken and needs to be fixed. I don't mean to be trite, but most areas of marital friction and conflict can be resolved by a husband who loves his wife. He will be a man who lives that out in a number of ways:

1. He will consistently reaffirm that love. Say it. Text it. Write it. Do it. Brother, you cannot tell your wife that you love her too much.

2. Exemplify that love. Saying it is one thing. Doing it proves it. If you say that you love your wife but are not laying down your life for her, if you are not loving her as Christ loved the church, if you are not dwelling with her with understanding, your words, texts, and poems will lie meaningless on the floor.

3. Exemplify it in ways that minister to her. Where is she fragile? There build her up. Where is she hurting? There provide salve. You cannot do this unless you know your wife, and that takes us to the next way to live that out.

4.  Communicate. You are the husband. God commands you to lead your wife. If communication has broken down and if your conversations don't head much beyond what's for dinner, you must repair those bridges. Open yourself up by holding your tongue and listening to your bride. Man up and take ownership for where you have fallen, faltered or inflicted pain in the past. You might have no clue. That's okay. Do not take offense at her words; hear them through the grace of Christ, and you will learn. Christ will help you become the man he intends you to be through your bride. But if you are going to put a spring in her step, that will not happen unless you have reopened long-clogged lines of communication.

5. Know her. Once communication is flowing, listen. To live out 1 Peter 3:7, to dwell with your woman in knowledge and understanding, you must know her. Be slow to speak and quick to listen. Take mental notes. Take physical notes. 

If she sees you as one who loves her, who aches to know her, and who really likes her even though you know her, how could she not have a spring in her step? She might not bounce through her day like Tigger, but you can bet her staring at the clock will not be in dread but will be in expectation for the time you walk through the door and she gets to see your face.


2012 is under way. Husband, love your wife!

Two things to NEVER say

I make almost no promises to my children.  Why?  Because the moment that I do, something will happen that will derail me from fulfilling my promise.  While I am not a liar per se, my younger children will not likely understand the nuance.

Since you are not my children, I will make you this promise: conflict will visit your marriage.  Yeah, I know.  It's not a very risky prognostication--it's not like I promised a Viking Super Bowl in 2012.  The certainty that you and your bride will face conflict before the end of the month (or perhaps the end of the week) runs close to as sure a thing as you can get, and yet conflict in your marriage does not have to mean days and weeks of agony between husband and wife.  That ought never be. 

So how does one negotiate the minefield of conflict without getting blown to smithereens?  Good communication.

Expect to see lots of musings on communication in the days ahead.  Good communication is the oil in the marital engine. Without it, the slightest problem will grind the gears to a screeching halt. With it, the engine will purr with nary a hiccup.

Considering the vast dynamics of communication, I want to hit on two simple words that must NEVER be spoken to your bride especially during a conflict, never and always. Why? Let me ask you, do you always leave your socks at the foot of the hamper? Do you always leave the seat up? Do you always leave ketchup dribbling down the side of the bottle? As soon as your wife plays the always- or never-card, your brain sets in motion faster than the speed of light mentally recalling 365 separate trumps to her assertion. Always and never are almost always never true (sorry). We get so busy finding the loophole that we do not hear what our woman has to say which is really the root of the conflict.  Because we found five exceptions to her always/never, the confict festers on.

So what makes you think your wife is any different?  Trust me, always/never will not add bang to your argument. I suspect that you (like me) have dropped them once or twice during a disagreement with your bride and then felt like the boy scout spraying a can of lighter fluid upon smoldering embers--FAH-WHOOSH!! go the eyebrows. Poor kid never saw it coming. 

You'll be amazed at how not using those absolutes will diminish the escalation of any conflict. When you dismantle those two little atomic bombs out of your vocabulary, you'll find that you can better and more rationally describe the particular issue that has caused the conflict in the first place without indicting the character or conduct of your spouse with an unfair adverb.

Not using never and always will not end conflict in your marriage, but it will scale back the debris and fallout that you'll have to endure.  It will also help you to better lead your bride through conflict with respect and honor rather than putting you both on opposite sides of the Mason-Dixon Line.

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue,

and those who love it will eat its fruits."  ~ Proverbs 18:21