The death and life of marriage

Political candidates derailed by infidelities. Hollywood marriages sunk by adulterous torpedoes. America on the verge of letting marriage be any kind of relationship for any length of time between any number of persons, places, or things, almost like standing at the counter at Burger King. Hmmm, what am I hungry for today?

The forecast for marriage in America is cold and dark.

So what do we do? Politics won't plug the titanic holes in the marriage boat. When our nation stepped off of its biblical foundation for more enlightened pastures, it lost its ability to appeal to anything outside of “majority rule” to shore up the bulwarks of civilization like family and rule of law. God ordained marriage when he first brought Eve to Adam. If I reject that, I can make marriage whatever I want it to be. Just ask the DOD (see here). Making a law that states marriage to be a covenant between a man and a woman does nothing—ZIP!—to get people to believe that.  Just ask the Catholic Church.

Don't expect the media to help bail any water. They’re making money!  Every five disgruntled letters is countered by millions tuning in and millions in advertising dollars. You’re hard pressed to find a TV show or a movie that doesn’t cross the boundaries on how much skin it can show or on how varied and in your face its sexual relationships can be. Why?  M-m-m-money.

Even churches seem to have tossed in the towel.  I read a recent blurb on nationalreview.com (here) indicating that it’s easier to get folks in the pew to nod about pro-life issues than they will about marriage issues.  With the preponderance of parishioners having already used up one marriage, who has the courage to speak God’s mind on divorce?

So what’s a man to do when all about him the institution of marriage is collapsing?  Three words.  Same three words.  Love your wife.

Don’t get me wrong. It crushes my soul to see our nation cut itself from its biblical roots. It saddens me that there is little worth my family’s time in the theater or on the tube.  New laws and more petitions will not change hearts and minds. Will loving my woman change the tide of our nation? Maybe. Maybe not.

Here’s the deal. Regardless of the rot in our culture, regardless of what the government has to say about the definition of the family, God’s word remains. He created man and woman for man. He created it good. Marriage can still be very good. It was his idea to unite like-but-different human beings in the covenant of marriage. It was to man that he said, “Love your wife” (Ephesians 5:25, Colossians 3:19). It doesn't matter a lick how government defines marriage or how perversely Hollywood portrays relationships. When a man loves a woman as God intended, blessings abound, blessings in the here and now and blessings in the hereafter.

It is a real downer to see what has become of marriage in America, but this does not have to be marriage in your home. Pursue the Lord. Pursue your wife. As the farmer toils in the soil in hope of a bounteous crop and reaps the benefits thereof, so also must the husband labor and hope. And really, isn't loving your wife far more enjoyable than digging in the dirt?

Could this possibly alter the demise of marriage in America?  Will anyone be moved to follow the Lord because I love my wife?  I hope so.  But that doesn’t matter.  This is the very thing to which God has called me.  You, too.  Whether none follow or millions (my preference would be the latter), as for us and our families, we must, with his help, serve the Lord.

Brewing a bitter cup

Everybody loves a loophole.

"But officer...

...I didn't see the sign."

...didn't know it was a school zone."

...can't you see I'm pregnant." (A tough one for a guy to use.)

...I'm late to meet with the President."

Despite the passion with which many insert loopholes into Scripture, God's word contains precious few.  Perhaps that's why so many find biblical Christianity unpalatable. No wiggle room. You are or you aren't.  You do or you don't. You will or you won't.

This is especially true for husbands. In fleshing out for the church at Colossae what it meant to live the Christian life (Colossians 3), Paul slaps down on the table a few loopholeless challenges, one aimed right between the eyes of husbands.

Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. (3:19)

No doubt you've heard the first part of that verse before (um, check out the masthead), but as I opened God's word this morning, my brow knotted on the second half of the verse.  "Do not be harsh with them?" It means to not embitter them, not to sour their stomach. What would prompt the apostle to toss in such an admonition? Could be a couple of things.  One, the Colossians could have been notorious wife-abusers. Having never heard such a thing, we can probably dismiss that notion out of hand.

Perhaps men have a propensity to be harsh toward their wives. Hmm. I think that one might reside a bit closer to the mark. Why is that? Let's toss a few generalities. First, men tend to be results oriented. Get 'er done. There's no crying in baseball! You can't get 'er done, we'll get someone else. You know the shtick. Works fine in commerce, politics, athletics, etc.  But that doesn't fare too well with one (the wife) who thrives on relational interchange.

Second, our relationships don't venture into emotional territory. We just don't go there. You're more likely to find a conservative at MSNBC. Just because we don't normally go there doesn't mean that we can't. If we don't consider the emotional difference and if we don't consider our tendencies when it comes to handling problems, don't be surprised when you want her to hear what you said and she just hears your tone. You could have stated that you were whisking her away to Monaco, but your manner left her feeling like your carburetor and not your bride.

Third, we tend to be harsh to our brides because we take them for granted. This is perhaps the easiest trap to fall into, and on the flip side, it's a trap we should never fall into because of the phenomenal gift that a bride is to each one of us. Outside the gift of eternal life in Christ Jesus, I can think of no greater treasure than to have a woman with which to share my days, a woman to love and cherish, a woman to enjoy.  A woman to call my best friend.

That I would embitter her? That I would knot her gut? Paul says "No-no."

You might think he doesn't give us a clue how to avoid embittering our brides, but it is found in the first part of the verse and then throughout the rest of Scripture. We are to love our wives. You want a fleshout of what that means, turn to Ephesians 5:25-32. Love her as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her. Love her as your own body. We are to nourish, care for, and cherish her. That means we treat her with the value that God has given her as HIS princess.

Peter explains that women are weaker vessels than men (1 Peter 3:7), not just physically but emotionally, too. Frankly, I don't care if you don't like that; God's word says it. He created us differently (and whether you want to admit it or not, we've all seen it play out in reality). Look at all Peter includes for men in a single verse.

• Live with your wives. Dwell with them. Be with her--because you want to!
• In an understanding way. You have no excuse for not knowing what makes your woman tick. You should know the minefields and not be purposefully setting them off. DON'T PUSH HER BUTTONS!
• Honor her. The world's not going to do it if she's honoring God. You do it. You certainly don't want another man doing it!
• As the weaker vessel. There it is. She's not going to respond to "Get 'er done!" The sheets will be mighty chilly if that's how you flirt with your woman.
• Coheir with you. You're not better because you're the man. Your role is just different. Besides, you didn't do anything to be the man. You came equipped. That's NOT something to lord over your woman. You will be beside your wife in glory, not over her.
• That our prayers not be hindered. Such bullheaded conduct puts a wedge in our relationship with God.  Bad ju-ju.

Gents, take your bride aside tonight or in the next day or two and ask her first if you're conduct or you're speech has embittered her lately. You may already know this. If you do, man up and apologize. Repent. You have sinned against God toward your woman, and repenting means you have a full-heart attitude to not go there again.

Second, ask her if it is a rare thing or a common thing. Please leave the boxing gloves in the closet. Man up and leave yourself wide open to hear, perhaps, some woeful tales of what you have done to the woman you hold dear. Let her speak. Do not defend. Do not excuse. Listen.

We must give our brides consideration, and that means we must be considerate. Paul tells us succinctly to love our wives and to not embitter them. It will require focused attention to be that man. And please, do not look for an out. There is no loophole.

Stare away!

When's the last time you really stared at your wife? Not a passing glance, but a drink-in-the-vista beholding as though you were perched upon the rim of the Grand Canyon during a sunset that even HD would't do justice.

Look at her.

Do you remember the day you stood at the end of a long aisle and first beheld your bride, painstakingly bedecked that she might present herself to you in all her radiance? That image is etched into my memory like no other.  A close second would be the look on my sons' faces as their eyes first caught sight of their woman at the end of the aisle.

We have enough trouble with our eyes. Lots of women don't get it. Many are trying (thank you, ladies).  Many finally understand (thank you, ladies). Job wouldn't have been making covenants four milennia ago (Job 31:1) nor would our Savior have been suggesting hyperbolic eye-plucking two milennia ago (Matthew 5:27-30) if this weren't an issue for the ages.

Yes, God made women exquisitely beautiful, but women are not yours. There is but one woman who is wholly and solely yours. Solomon told his sons to drink water from their own well (Proverbs 5:15) and to be always intoxicated by the love of their wife (5:19). A great way to appreciate the treasure that God has given you in this woman is to stare at her. No, not like you would stare at the young man whose face got caught in a jean-studder. And no, not like a coroner performing an autopsy. Stare like a connisseur drinking in the Sistine Chapel. Like a child who sees all the presents under the tree.  Like a city-dweller who spies the Grand Tetons for the very first time.

Not only will such wonder kindle a deep appreciation to God for your bride in your heart, but it will affirm and build the woman you love. In an era where marriages are crumbling faster than the economy, little will build a bride's security more than knowing she has the eye of her man. One woman confessed,

I will admit that there have been times when my husband has commented on something about another woman that left me wondering if he ever noticed those things about me anymore or if he found that "thing" more attractive than the corresponding part on me.  Women compare themselves to others so frequently.  I think that comes from all that the world barrages us with and the normal self esteem issues that most women have, but when a man notices something about another woman, or his wife notices him watching another woman, it does raise questions in her mind about whether or not she is good enough.  Sad, but true.

Gents, we must guard our eyes.  There's one extraordinary person God has given us upon which we can train our eyes.  Read the Song of Solomon 4. That was a man who stared at his woman.

Next time you get a chance, brother, stare at your wife because you can!
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(Bonus points to any that can identify the eyes at the top of the post)

With open eyes

If you haven't been there in awhile, one of the greatest verses for husbands to memorize AND live out is 1 Peter 3:7.  In case you have no Bible handy (which is a stupid statement because you're online and a Bible is ALWAYS handy [http://www.biblegateway.com/]; you can even pick your version) here it is:

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with (your wife) according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

If you live this verse out, you will bless your woman and honor your God. At first glance, the verse looks as simple as a well-turned double-play, but when you start to examine the component parts, the intricacies and beauty therein are breath-taking and overwhelming. Unpacking the verse would require a book. Applying it to your life and your woman would require volumes. That's your job. And that takes a wonder-packed lifetime.

Let's hone in for a moment on "dwell with your wife according to knowledge" or "live with your wife in an understanding way." The word live does not mean exist. It means the intimate relationship that is exemplified by the husband-wife relationship. It means that you know your wife.

When's the last time you stepped back and took a look at the things going on in your woman's life? How many plates is she trying to keep spinning? What delights her soul? What has been burdening her heart of late? What does she think about the state of the family? How about the state of your relationship? Is she spiritually fit or spiritually spent? It's so easy to become lost in our work, lost in our ministry, and lost in our recreation that we become utterly lost in our relationship to our wife.

I hate to go "cartoon" on you two posts in a row, but what has taken me way too many words to say gets hit out of the ballpark in two panels by Rick Kirkman and Jerry Scott:

Keep your eyes open, brother, and dwell with your wife with understanding. In so doing, you will love your wife.

First things first

Hope you had a good Labor Day, brothers.

Sitcoms of yesteryear provided great family entertainment because the events with each episode were events lived by everyone.  They provided us an opportunity, really, to laugh at ourselves.  Not so in 2011.  While no comedy on television examines the humor of every day life, retreating into the commode or the jockstrap to find a laugh, the artists on the funny pages have picked up the baton.

Take Zits for example.  It's a strip about a high school sophomore and his two parents.  I don't know if it's funnier for me or for my sixteen year old son.  Why?  Because we can empathize with the characters.  Been there.  Done that.

Baby Blues is another one.  It's the story of a once-married couple (I know, a rarity) and their three kids Zoe (10), Hammie (7), and Wren (1). It makes no bones about the challenges involved in being married, working hard, and raising kids. It delights, sometimes side-splits, and sometimes skewers my soul.

My wife has a Baby Blues page-a-day calendar in our bathroom. This was yesterday's fare:

Gents, I had to think of you. Well, first, I had to think of me, then I had to think of you. Before I ramble any further, consider what these artists are saying about us loving our wives.

Getting any vibes?

There's going to come a day, brothers, if the Lord tarries and if you both live a long life when the kids will be gone and only you and your woman will be left in the house. May I ask you, based upon what you have today, what you will have then?

Too many relationships die when the last child leaves home because that couple's foundation for the marriage no longer exists. It sickens my heart when I see wives whose child or children have an obvious priority over their husband. This is an especially dangerous trap for a mother of youngsters. The baby, the toddler, even the elementary-aged child depends upon us and especially depends upon momma, but the momma who begins to cling to her child with greater tenacity than Linus clung to his blanket has begun to ship her man out of his rightful and God-ordained place in her life (not to mention the self-centered little monster being cultivated when balance isn't struck).

Lest you think momma's the only one susceptible to misplaced priorities, papa can cave to it at exactly the same time. When little ones are in the house, dad's in the earlier days of his career.  That means longer hours and quite possibly a second job.  Busting one's posterior to make ends meet can become habitual.  As the money gets better (if the money gets better) and the hours could possibly slacken, they don't. The woman begins to play second fiddle to his occupation. "We need to pay off the boat." "We won't be able to go back to Cancun this year." "Looks like we might have to start eating at home."  Yikes. Yes, many of us have to work long hours and some have to work two jobs to make ends meet but for many, their occupation has become their mistress.

Gents, you know this. God comes first. In a distant and rightly placed second is the filly you nestle up to every night. The order should be the same for her. When those priorities start to get askew, that's a great time to do what Darryl MacPherson did to his wife Wanda. Call her aside, take her in your arms, dip her to the floor, look into her eyes and plant a kiss on her that will reverberate 'til Thursday.

You lead the family. You lead your wife. God says so (1 Corinthians 11:3, Ephesians 5:23). If things start getting goofy, the only person to blame is the one in the mirror.

So husband, go love your wife--and make things reverberate from time to time.

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NOTE:  In researching this post, I came to find out that the creator of  Zits is one of the co-creators of Baby Blues.  From Wikipedia.

In 1996, Jerry Scott was drawing Baby Blues, a comic strip about raising children he co-wrote with Rick Kirkman. He realized, however, that his profession as an independent cartoonist was limited to whatever joke he could conceive next. A friend suggested he begin a strip about a teenager. Scott heeded the proposition but was unsatisfied with his characters sketches, finding them similar to those of his existing strip. After Scott discussed the issue with his artist friend Jim Borgman, the two corresponded with one another over the next few months and eventually collaborated on the characters that would become the Duncans. King Features, already distributing Baby Blues and Borgman's editorial cartoons, began running the new comic strip in 1997 with Scott writing and Borgman drawing.

Considering the quality of the two, I'm not surprised.