Keep your promise!

Howdy, gents.

Racing toward another volatile election, the airwaves continue a non-stop bombardment that this election will prove a pivot-point for our nation. While I won't dismiss the importance of the November vote, it's not the man in the White House that will determine our nation's future. It's the man in the mirror.

The other day my son watched a program on ESPN about the murder of a youth on the streets of urban Chicago who promised to be the next basketball phenom. The piece pulled on heartstrings but failed to address the prime failing in our urban jungles, the disintegration of the family. Let's aim the scope with a bit more precision because most of the time the disintegration of the family occurs because the man (husband, father) refuses to act the man, refuses to shoulder his responsibility, refuses to fight his temptations, and refuses to honor his vows, his covenant to his wife and to his God.

I can sit hear, fingers pecking away, and plead that you should love your wife. I've done that plenty and will continue to do so because God's word tells us to do that, but telling you to love your wife will have as much impact on your family as our next president will have upon our national throes because what we are as a nation depends not so much as who's at the top but upon the quality of the people.  Likewise, who I am as a husband, father, and friend depends upon the quality and treasures of my heart. There is only one way to change a heart, let God do it.

A lengthy passage from Ezekiel, but let it resonate:

Therefore say to the house of Israel, Thus says the Lord God: It is not for your sake, O house of Israel, that I am about to act, but for the sake of my holy name, which you have profaned among the nations to which you came. And I will vindicate the holiness of my great name, which has been profaned among the nations, and which you have profaned among them. And the nations will know that I am the Lord, declares the Lord God, when through you I vindicate my holiness before their eyes. I will take you from the nations and gather you from all the countries and bring you into your own land. I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules. You shall dwell in the land that I gave to your fathers, and you shall be my people, and I will be your God. And I will deliver you from all your uncleannesses. And I will summon the grain and make it abundant and lay no famine upon you. I will make the fruit of the tree and the increase of the field abundant, that you may never again suffer the disgrace of famine among the nations. Then you will remember your evil ways, and your deeds that were not good, and you will loathe yourselves for your iniquities and your abominations. It is not for your sake that I will act, declares the Lord God; let that be known to you. Be ashamed and confounded for your ways, O house of Israel.

As is true for Israel, so true for man today. A man may will to do, he may try to do, but in the end, he will reap frustration (Romans 7:24). He will remain a self-absorbed, self-impressed, self-loving husband, father, and friend. Only the power of God in a redeemed life can impel and motivate a man to love another as Christ has loved him (John 15:12-13) and to lay down his life for another, especially his wife (Ephesians 5:25).



Dinesh D'Souza

This is why Maggie Gallagher's story of Dinesh D'Souza (here) and stories like it are particularly grievous. "Is it a bad thing that I am engaged before my divorce is final?" Might I ask why a Christian is divorcing his bride in the first place?

Yes, I know, sin can ravage any marriage. Yes, God did provide a wafer-thin avenue for divorce when a spouse has shown disregard and contempt for the vow that they have made. At the same time, when a man loves the Lord his God with all his heart, all his soul, all his mind, and all his strength, he will love his wife as Christ loved the church, and if he so does, I contend that his wife would be hard pressed to leave her man. If a man pursues his woman with so compelling a love, divorce rates will shrivel in the land.

Here's how Ms. Gallagher closed her essay.

After all, is marriage such a horrible cross to bear?

With marriage, you choose one woman. You promise to love just her the way that God loves everyone, until death do you part.

So love her. Keep your vows close...Show your children, show other people's children, that in this too-swift race between love and death, which is all that our lives are, that love can be trusted.

If Christians could just do that and nothing else, it would transform our culture.

If we cannot do that, I fear, nothing else will.

I couldn't have said it better myself. Husband, love your God.  Love your wife.

B. B. Warfield: Loving through thick and thicker

Gents, you've heard me say over and over (and over and over) that loving our woman depends not one iota upon what she can give in return. In his blog, Randy Alcorn discusses the life of the great theologian Benjamin B. Warfield. This is a man who did not sacrifice his marriage on the altar of ministry.

Soak it in here.

Here's where many go astray, they think that marriage is not "Kingdom work," that training up your children is not "Kingdom work," and that toiling in the field as a farmer or behind the desk as an accountant or in the classroom as a teacher is not "Kingdom work." Whether we eat or drink or whatever we do, we are to do all to the glory of God. When we give a cup of water to the least of these, we have done so to our Lord and Savior.

So love your wife with the love of Christ, with over-the-top, lavish, ridiculous love--all to the glory of God!

Team Leadership Texas-style

As the San Antonio Spurs dominate their way into the NBA finals yet again, J. A. Adande of ESPN rightfully recognizes that this silver and black dynasty can be traced back to one man, David Robinson (great article here).


Certainly, head coach Greg Popovich deserves a lot of credit for keeping the ball rolling in San Antonio, but Pop came to town a half dozen years after the Admiral was already on deck. As Adande points out, Robinson was not about Robinson; he was about the Spurs and their winning ball games and titles. He took whatever role on offense or defense that was required to bring success to the Alamo City. Until Tim Duncan arrived in town, Robinson towered over everyone on the court not just in altitude but in basketball skills. Typically when a newbie superstar enters the forum of an established superstar, unpleasant fireworks ensue.  Not so in San Anton. Adande writes,

"Robinson already had a Most Valuable Player trophy on the shelf, with seven trips to the All-Star Game and two Olympic gold medals. He'd led the league in scoring and blocked shots and was the defensive player of the year by the time Duncan arrived via lottery luck in 1997. But by Duncan's second season, he was the team's top scorer and the MVP of the NBA Finals the Spurs won in 1999.

"Robinson was a willing accomplice in Duncan's takeover."

Now, Tim Duncan has taken the torch from Mr. Robinson and passed it to Manu Ginobli and Tony Parker. The Spurs are crushing other teams because, as Popovich notes he hasn't had to deal with "stars' egos." Pop says, "I dealt with grown-ups, who had character and prioritization already set in their lives and their values, that sort of thing."  Thank you, David Robinson for setting that table.


So what does this have to do with being a husband? Selfless leadership, brother.


Mister Robinson never cared about glory. He didn't care about who got the attention but would do what needed to be done to elevate the team. Robinson said,

"If we can win games, everybody's going to be happy. For me, when Tim came, the very first thing I told him was, 'I'm going to put you in a position where you can succeed. Period. That's it. If you're a better scorer than me, I'll put you down on the block, you score. I don't care. I can do other things.'"

He didn't feel control slipping away. He didn't feel threatened because others were better at, or at least equal to, something than he was. There was only delight at the success of the team.


Really, this is the heart of servant leadership.  It's the heart of the husband's section of Ephesians 5.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

The husband laying himself down for the wife that ultimately a better thing will result. The husband gets the wife back more beautiful, more complete than ever he could have imagined.  So how do we flesh this out?  A few thoughts, not exhaustive:

1. Don't worry about who gets the credit. Yes, the Bible delineates the role of the husband and the role of the wife. It even discusses aspects of those roles, but it is silent on many counts. A classic example is finances. Who keeps the books in the house? Who cares?! If she's better at crunching numbers and it makes her giddy to do it, let her do it. When she finds a way for us to get a couple hundred bucks back in taxes, do I brood because I didn't find it or do I cheer that she just provided a blessing to our family.

2. Solicit her opinion. "But I'm the leader!" Well, sir, you will crash and burn. It's a dopey leader that seeks no counsel, that bounces no thoughts, that simply drops the completed plan on the bride asking "So what do you think?" Really, you do not care what she thinks because the plan is formulated. She will see this and know this. Had you truly wanted her opinion, the time to ask is before the contractor starts ripping out the walls.

3. Let her run. She's got interest and energy in areas you don't understand. So why squash that? She has ideas to landscape the backyard and you like yard work. Talk about a marriage made in heaven. Let her plan and procure and point. You get to lean on the spade and throw the dirt. Does this mean you are no longer the husband? Of course not!

A quick example. While flying F-16's, there were times the squadron commander and even the wing commander were positioned as the wingman and not the flight lead on a particular mission. Did they cede command of their organization at that time? Of course not. This was a single mission. The opportunity proved a boon for the flight lead and gave the commander a great look at his people.

4. Thicken your skin. We must get over ourselves. None of us is perfect. There is one Jesus Christ, and we're not him. You will make mistakes. You will even sin against your family. Guess who's going to see it with amazing clarity? Yep, your woman. Who better to confront you? Yep, your woman. She loves you and cares about you and wants the best for you. So when she shares your buffoonery with you, please don't get your knickers in a junior high school-sized wad and start pouting because she's not respecting you as the leader. Pah! No, she loves you as the leader or she wouldn't trouble herself by risking such a response. Her desire, hopefully, is to help you be a better leader in your home.

5. Go the extra mile. Athletic leaders are typically the guys first to the practice field and last off. They're first in the locker room on game day and last out. No, this doesn't mean your first in the bed and last out. Consider the spiritual realm. If you are going to lead your family before Almighty God, don't you think it would be good for you to know him well? Shouldn't you have an intimate relationship with God that goes beyond any earthly relationship you have? Should you not feed insatiably upon his word? Should you not wrestle non-stop before the throne of God above in prayer for her, for your kids, for your church, for your country, for your co-workers and neighbors?

6. Check her six. Makes me smile even to write that. In flying vernacular, "checking-six" means to look behind your flight lead or wingman to see if there are any bad guys in the area that they cannot see themselves. Simply, protect her from bad guys. This might be in the physical realm (yes, I conceal-carry). Is your home secure? Is her car in working order? But you must also protect her in the spiritual realm. Again, prayer. What are you allowing into your home? There was a day when evil would have to get through the front door. Now it can seep through the laptop or the TV, the iPod or the Redbox.

7. Give her a pat on the--well, you know. It's a jock thing, the keep-on-keepin'-on shwack on the keister. Literal or not, I leave that up to you, but these are discouraging times and discouraging days. Paul encourages the Thessalonians to "encourage the faint-hearted" (1 Thessalonians 5:14). How much more should a husband bless his wife with his words.

Do you think it required hard work for David Robinson to become a hall-of-fame NBA center? Do you think the reward, the success, was worth it? Brothers, consider the outcome of our efforts if we invest deeply in our marriages. Let's not lead as iron-fisted dictators in our home. Consider the example of David Robinson. Consider the example of Christ.

And as we do, let's enjoy the journey and the rewards that come when we love our wives.

The Prime Directive

You can't refute Christ. When he says that the greatest commandment is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength, that's what he means. That's why "law" is unnecessary in the life of the believer; his life should be driven and compelled by an overarching love for and desire to please Almighty God.  It's the greatest commandment because living it out leads all others to be superfluous.

Commandment number two flows right off of that. Love your neighbor as yourself. Both of these sound tap-in easy on the surface, but when we get closer to the green, we see the putt is really a 150-footer with undulations that would make Augusta National's greenskeeper proud.

As you've heard countless times, love is not a feeling; it's an act of the will. Loving God gets hard when the inky blackness of my selfish heart gets in the way. Loving others gets hard when, coupled with the inky blackness of my heart, I have to deal with the inky blackness of your heart, too.

Paul gives us another commandment, but this one doesn't go out to the general masses.  It goes to husbands specifically, and in many ways seems more daunting than the general command to love your neighbors as yourself.  It is this,

"Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..."

~ Ephesians 5:25

Yes, there's more to the quote and I'll get to it in time, but notice the comparator that Paul uses--as Christ loved the Church.  I might be able to shrug off not loving someone so well because I might not love myself so well (a cop-out, by the way), but it is most uncomfortable to suggest that how I should love my woman should be on par with the epitome of sacrifice, the love of Christ for the church.  So extraordinary and far-reaching is this command to husbands that it is easily dismissed and ignored, but because it is so difficult and yet so needful for a marriage to succeed, it is the eponym for this blog and should be one of the life verses for every man who is married.

Over the weeks, months, and years to come, I will come back to this verse for I must remind myself of these things over and over again.  You must be reminded, too.

Because the "as Christ loved the church" part is so overwhelming and mind-blowing, let's focus on the first four words and the title to this blog, "Husbands, love your wives." Notice, this is a command and not a suggestion. Being God's word to his creation, this comes to us from the throneroom of heaven. Paul is merely the courier. His order to husbands? Love your wives.

You are on the front line in combat and you get an order direct from the general. How do you respond? More and more men in America drop their weapon and quit. Were they in actual combat, they would fall on a grenade for their compadre. Why will men not do the same for their woman? The enemy is not our bride; it's Satan and his ilk who seek your destruction (1 Peter 5:8) and the destruction of your marriage (1 Corinthians 7:5).

From God to us, "Love your wife." It's not a feeling. It's a command that demands action on our part.

"But I don't feel like it," we snivel. I challenge you over your lifetime to find one passage in God's word that ties this kind of love to feeling.

Love your wife.

"But you don't know my wife," we charge. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8). While we were still rebels.  While we stood opposed to him. While we flayed his back.  While we clubbed him with bats. While we drove spikes into his body. No, I don't know your wife and you don't know mine, but I do know the darkness of my own heart, a heart redeemed by God long before I longed for him.

Love your wife.

"But you don't know what I've had to endure," we litigate. When we bluster about the wrongs we've suffered and the abuse we've endured, let's turn to Hosea. He was a prophet, a holy man of Israel. God asks him to marry a whore, a woman who's been with men beyond count. Hosea takes her as his own, loves her, and begins to have children by her. Gomer returns to her whoring ways. Hosea, at God's command, goes and buys her back out of her harlotry. God uses Hosea as a picture of his love for Israel. It is the same love of Christ for the church. It is the same love commanded to us as husbands for our wives.

Love your wife.

No loopholes. No caveats. Just a simple, straight-forward command from the One who loves us more than any other that we love (action not feeling) the woman he has provided us to be our helpmate, our bride. This woman we vowed to love before God and man when we took our oaths at the altar at some time past. It's long past time for us to stop quibbling and get to the business of obeying our commander. Only then will we come to know the rich and miraculous blessings that come to the man who loves his wife.

Brothers, love your wives.