How do I love thee? Um...

The other day I caught a bit of Dr. Tony Evans on the radio discussing marriage when something he said gave me a bit more texture to the biblical idea of love.

What do you mean when you say "I love cotton candy!" You are saying that it brings you pleasure. The sticky goodness receives nothing from you but oh, the delight it gives you as it rides through your gullet.

"I love the Vikings!" (I can hear your jibes.) But what do I really mean? Will I lay down my life for a sub-mediocre football team? Certainly not. Will they benefit at all from me being a fan?  Nope. I have an affection for them. They please me (a whole lot more when they are winning).

Often when we say we love things, we love because they bring us pleasure. I like this (fill in the blank) because it (tastes good, feels good, looks good, fattens my wallet, relaxes me, etc). Now this might blow your mind, but none of that is wrong. God created the earth and its goodness to be pleasing to the pinnacle of his creation. The problem comes when we equate the pleasure obtained from something to the love demanded from God for something, most especially our wives.

Most men in our culture when saying "I love you" to their wife really mean that she makes them feel good. She's a great partner. She's a great friend. She cooks a mean hash. She warms the bed nicely. All of this focuses upon what she does for me.  I mentioned this in my last post (here), but the vows we took at the altar to love our wives had no proviso in them to love them only as long as they brought us pleasure. This behavior might have been acceptable for barbarian kings of the past, but this is not God's plan for husband and wife.

Love does not depend at all upon the other person. If it did, it would not be love but rather payment for services rendered.

I hope your wife pleases you (it's your choice, really, but that's another post), but next time "I love you" tumbles from your lips, consider your heart. Is it solely for the pleasure she brings to you?  If so, sprinkle in a little bit of the "I love you" that hearkens back to the vows that you made to that beautiful woman by your side.

This does not work

One of the gripes that cynics have about sitcoms of yesteryear, those like Leave it to Beaver or The Brady Bunch, is that you can't tie up such familial problems with a neat bow in a mere thirty minutes. Life, especially family life, is gritty and messy and difficult. Can you name a sitcom or even a drama where the protagonist had to deal with heartache and anguish for longer than 23 or 46 minutes?


While I still love the Cleavers and enjoyed the Bradys as a kid, the cynics have a point. What makes for light entertainment cannot be mistaken for real life. Human interaction is a wee bit more complicated.


Recently a good friend e-mailed me after reading one of my "Husbands" posts and asked, "What do we do when choosing to love our wives does not work?" Ouch. It doesn't take a counselor of thirty years to read the agony between the words. There is perhaps no greater pain that to pour heart and soul into your relationship with your woman and to be met with ridicule, derision, and frigidity.


I can't imagine that anyone enters marriage hoping for conflict, isolation, or abuse. Did we not all hope beyond hope that when we said "I do," our relationship with our woman would begin to flourish and only grow richer and more delicious with each passing day? Most have great expectations of and for their bride, but few have expectations for what will be required of them to love their wife.


Here's the deal: in none of the passages about husbands and wives in the New Testament (cf. Ephesians 5:22-33, Colossians 3:18-19, 1 Peter 3:1-7) does God, through the apostles, promise a marriage of magical bliss and elation. Never does God say, "Love your wife, and she will love you." Never does he hint that she might become a beast in the bedroom if you buy her roses--not once but twice! No inkling that your grace during her hormonal fluctuations will be rewarded with the same during your ill-thought outbursts. We do see that a believing spouse can have an amazing affect on a non-believing spouse (1 Corinthians 7:12-16, 1 Peter 3:1-2), but even then there is no promise for happily-ever-after.


Husband, love your wife. For how long? It's not a time-stamped command. That's why the til-death-do-us-part part gets tossed into the marriage vow. Or used to get tossed in. What should be the quality of the husband's love? It should be as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Ignorance is no excuse here. When you walked her down the aisle, when you sealed the covenant with an "I do," you vowed to give not get. Think about it. You promised what you would do, and that vow was not contingent upon her vow (more on her vow in a bit). You committed your life to be God's primary agent of love and ministry in her life.


No time loophole.


No "but she" loophole.


No "what about me" loophole.


Do you feel doomed? Don't. Consider this. "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good for those who are called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28). Even rudeness, neglect and abuse? "He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" (Romans 8:32) We consider unpleasant things when we see the "all things" of Romans 8:28, but we have forgotten the unpleasantness of all things in the few verses it took to get to verse 32. God continues on the unpleasantness theme of "all things" in verses 35-37:

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, "For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

No matter the difficulty, even within our own marriage, God will work good for his children. Notice, again, no time stamp. The blessing and reward may not come until heaven. Consider, though, the blessing and good that you are plowing into the life of your woman. Go back to Ephesians 5:26-28 and see why Jesus loved the church:

...that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church.

Sanctify her. Cleanse her. That she might be holy and without blemish. Christ died for her, for her good, to ultimately see her redeemed before him in heaven.


When we love our God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength and love our wives as Christ loved the church, we may get nothing from her in return. In the world, you might consider this unfair. In God's economy, you are just like Christ (Romans 8:17)! Rejoice in him and with him, and press on.


I love Paul's admonition to the Corinthian church, "Act like men, be strong" (1 Corinthians 16:13). This does not mean that in a relationship where the believing wife has abdicated her marriage vows that the husband is to love her in silence. No, the strong husband will lead his wife into difficult communication but will do so with grace and love and respect. He will honor her as the weaker vessel and dwell with her with understanding (1 Peter 3:7) while at the same time pointing out that to cultivate a marriage of richness, a marriage that reflects to the world the love and relationship within the Godhead (1 Corinthians 11:3) and the love the church should have for Christ (Ephesians 5:22-24), the wife must biblically love her husband, too.


We may be spurned and rejected, even by a believing wife. This is a grievous and heavy burden, one which only those who have loved an unloving wife can understand. At the same time, it does not free us from our responsibility to lead and to love. We must not turn inward and shun communication. We must not turn outward and become brutal and hostile. We must not turn inward and find satisfaction within ourselves. We must not turn outward and vent our energies some place else (work, sport, play). Rather, day by day, moment by moment, we must love our wives as Christ loved the church and give ourselves up for her even if it means our life.


It might not work toward cultivating a Ward and June Cleaver or a Mike and Carol Brady marriage, but it will work for good. For you and for her.


Stay the course, brother. His promises will not fail. Love your wife.

The death and life of marriage

Political candidates derailed by infidelities. Hollywood marriages sunk by adulterous torpedoes. America on the verge of letting marriage be any kind of relationship for any length of time between any number of persons, places, or things, almost like standing at the counter at Burger King. Hmmm, what am I hungry for today?

The forecast for marriage in America is cold and dark.

So what do we do? Politics won't plug the titanic holes in the marriage boat. When our nation stepped off of its biblical foundation for more enlightened pastures, it lost its ability to appeal to anything outside of “majority rule” to shore up the bulwarks of civilization like family and rule of law. God ordained marriage when he first brought Eve to Adam. If I reject that, I can make marriage whatever I want it to be. Just ask the DOD (see here). Making a law that states marriage to be a covenant between a man and a woman does nothing—ZIP!—to get people to believe that.  Just ask the Catholic Church.

Don't expect the media to help bail any water. They’re making money!  Every five disgruntled letters is countered by millions tuning in and millions in advertising dollars. You’re hard pressed to find a TV show or a movie that doesn’t cross the boundaries on how much skin it can show or on how varied and in your face its sexual relationships can be. Why?  M-m-m-money.

Even churches seem to have tossed in the towel.  I read a recent blurb on nationalreview.com (here) indicating that it’s easier to get folks in the pew to nod about pro-life issues than they will about marriage issues.  With the preponderance of parishioners having already used up one marriage, who has the courage to speak God’s mind on divorce?

So what’s a man to do when all about him the institution of marriage is collapsing?  Three words.  Same three words.  Love your wife.

Don’t get me wrong. It crushes my soul to see our nation cut itself from its biblical roots. It saddens me that there is little worth my family’s time in the theater or on the tube.  New laws and more petitions will not change hearts and minds. Will loving my woman change the tide of our nation? Maybe. Maybe not.

Here’s the deal. Regardless of the rot in our culture, regardless of what the government has to say about the definition of the family, God’s word remains. He created man and woman for man. He created it good. Marriage can still be very good. It was his idea to unite like-but-different human beings in the covenant of marriage. It was to man that he said, “Love your wife” (Ephesians 5:25, Colossians 3:19). It doesn't matter a lick how government defines marriage or how perversely Hollywood portrays relationships. When a man loves a woman as God intended, blessings abound, blessings in the here and now and blessings in the hereafter.

It is a real downer to see what has become of marriage in America, but this does not have to be marriage in your home. Pursue the Lord. Pursue your wife. As the farmer toils in the soil in hope of a bounteous crop and reaps the benefits thereof, so also must the husband labor and hope. And really, isn't loving your wife far more enjoyable than digging in the dirt?

Could this possibly alter the demise of marriage in America?  Will anyone be moved to follow the Lord because I love my wife?  I hope so.  But that doesn’t matter.  This is the very thing to which God has called me.  You, too.  Whether none follow or millions (my preference would be the latter), as for us and our families, we must, with his help, serve the Lord.

Brewing a bitter cup

Everybody loves a loophole.

"But officer...

...I didn't see the sign."

...didn't know it was a school zone."

...can't you see I'm pregnant." (A tough one for a guy to use.)

...I'm late to meet with the President."

Despite the passion with which many insert loopholes into Scripture, God's word contains precious few.  Perhaps that's why so many find biblical Christianity unpalatable. No wiggle room. You are or you aren't.  You do or you don't. You will or you won't.

This is especially true for husbands. In fleshing out for the church at Colossae what it meant to live the Christian life (Colossians 3), Paul slaps down on the table a few loopholeless challenges, one aimed right between the eyes of husbands.

Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. (3:19)

No doubt you've heard the first part of that verse before (um, check out the masthead), but as I opened God's word this morning, my brow knotted on the second half of the verse.  "Do not be harsh with them?" It means to not embitter them, not to sour their stomach. What would prompt the apostle to toss in such an admonition? Could be a couple of things.  One, the Colossians could have been notorious wife-abusers. Having never heard such a thing, we can probably dismiss that notion out of hand.

Perhaps men have a propensity to be harsh toward their wives. Hmm. I think that one might reside a bit closer to the mark. Why is that? Let's toss a few generalities. First, men tend to be results oriented. Get 'er done. There's no crying in baseball! You can't get 'er done, we'll get someone else. You know the shtick. Works fine in commerce, politics, athletics, etc.  But that doesn't fare too well with one (the wife) who thrives on relational interchange.

Second, our relationships don't venture into emotional territory. We just don't go there. You're more likely to find a conservative at MSNBC. Just because we don't normally go there doesn't mean that we can't. If we don't consider the emotional difference and if we don't consider our tendencies when it comes to handling problems, don't be surprised when you want her to hear what you said and she just hears your tone. You could have stated that you were whisking her away to Monaco, but your manner left her feeling like your carburetor and not your bride.

Third, we tend to be harsh to our brides because we take them for granted. This is perhaps the easiest trap to fall into, and on the flip side, it's a trap we should never fall into because of the phenomenal gift that a bride is to each one of us. Outside the gift of eternal life in Christ Jesus, I can think of no greater treasure than to have a woman with which to share my days, a woman to love and cherish, a woman to enjoy.  A woman to call my best friend.

That I would embitter her? That I would knot her gut? Paul says "No-no."

You might think he doesn't give us a clue how to avoid embittering our brides, but it is found in the first part of the verse and then throughout the rest of Scripture. We are to love our wives. You want a fleshout of what that means, turn to Ephesians 5:25-32. Love her as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her. Love her as your own body. We are to nourish, care for, and cherish her. That means we treat her with the value that God has given her as HIS princess.

Peter explains that women are weaker vessels than men (1 Peter 3:7), not just physically but emotionally, too. Frankly, I don't care if you don't like that; God's word says it. He created us differently (and whether you want to admit it or not, we've all seen it play out in reality). Look at all Peter includes for men in a single verse.

• Live with your wives. Dwell with them. Be with her--because you want to!
• In an understanding way. You have no excuse for not knowing what makes your woman tick. You should know the minefields and not be purposefully setting them off. DON'T PUSH HER BUTTONS!
• Honor her. The world's not going to do it if she's honoring God. You do it. You certainly don't want another man doing it!
• As the weaker vessel. There it is. She's not going to respond to "Get 'er done!" The sheets will be mighty chilly if that's how you flirt with your woman.
• Coheir with you. You're not better because you're the man. Your role is just different. Besides, you didn't do anything to be the man. You came equipped. That's NOT something to lord over your woman. You will be beside your wife in glory, not over her.
• That our prayers not be hindered. Such bullheaded conduct puts a wedge in our relationship with God.  Bad ju-ju.

Gents, take your bride aside tonight or in the next day or two and ask her first if you're conduct or you're speech has embittered her lately. You may already know this. If you do, man up and apologize. Repent. You have sinned against God toward your woman, and repenting means you have a full-heart attitude to not go there again.

Second, ask her if it is a rare thing or a common thing. Please leave the boxing gloves in the closet. Man up and leave yourself wide open to hear, perhaps, some woeful tales of what you have done to the woman you hold dear. Let her speak. Do not defend. Do not excuse. Listen.

We must give our brides consideration, and that means we must be considerate. Paul tells us succinctly to love our wives and to not embitter them. It will require focused attention to be that man. And please, do not look for an out. There is no loophole.

Stare away!

When's the last time you really stared at your wife? Not a passing glance, but a drink-in-the-vista beholding as though you were perched upon the rim of the Grand Canyon during a sunset that even HD would't do justice.

Look at her.

Do you remember the day you stood at the end of a long aisle and first beheld your bride, painstakingly bedecked that she might present herself to you in all her radiance? That image is etched into my memory like no other.  A close second would be the look on my sons' faces as their eyes first caught sight of their woman at the end of the aisle.

We have enough trouble with our eyes. Lots of women don't get it. Many are trying (thank you, ladies).  Many finally understand (thank you, ladies). Job wouldn't have been making covenants four milennia ago (Job 31:1) nor would our Savior have been suggesting hyperbolic eye-plucking two milennia ago (Matthew 5:27-30) if this weren't an issue for the ages.

Yes, God made women exquisitely beautiful, but women are not yours. There is but one woman who is wholly and solely yours. Solomon told his sons to drink water from their own well (Proverbs 5:15) and to be always intoxicated by the love of their wife (5:19). A great way to appreciate the treasure that God has given you in this woman is to stare at her. No, not like you would stare at the young man whose face got caught in a jean-studder. And no, not like a coroner performing an autopsy. Stare like a connisseur drinking in the Sistine Chapel. Like a child who sees all the presents under the tree.  Like a city-dweller who spies the Grand Tetons for the very first time.

Not only will such wonder kindle a deep appreciation to God for your bride in your heart, but it will affirm and build the woman you love. In an era where marriages are crumbling faster than the economy, little will build a bride's security more than knowing she has the eye of her man. One woman confessed,

I will admit that there have been times when my husband has commented on something about another woman that left me wondering if he ever noticed those things about me anymore or if he found that "thing" more attractive than the corresponding part on me.  Women compare themselves to others so frequently.  I think that comes from all that the world barrages us with and the normal self esteem issues that most women have, but when a man notices something about another woman, or his wife notices him watching another woman, it does raise questions in her mind about whether or not she is good enough.  Sad, but true.

Gents, we must guard our eyes.  There's one extraordinary person God has given us upon which we can train our eyes.  Read the Song of Solomon 4. That was a man who stared at his woman.

Next time you get a chance, brother, stare at your wife because you can!
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(Bonus points to any that can identify the eyes at the top of the post)